From Walkers to Runners
(a parody.)
As the baby boom generation shambles ever closer to retirement, America’s young adults are presented with a horrifying dilemma. We will soon have a greater number of retired individuals in this country, with fewer Social Security resources to support them, leaving us to question our own financial security in old age. On a superficially unrelated, yet equally pressing note, we find ourselves facing an energy crisis worldwide, with more technological advancements than our dwindling supply of non-renewable fossil fuels can handle. I have a single, novel solution to both problems that will provide for our country’s elderly nigh-infinitely, while benefiting our environment in the process.
If aged fitness guru Jack Lalane has taught us anything, it would be that humans can stay physically fit and active well into old age. With the proper diet and exercise routine, any elderly individual has the potential to become a stellar athlete.
I therefore propose an athletic selective service agreement, for which all citizens over age 64 must register upon retirement. If selected, individuals will be relocated to government retirement camps, where they will receive a minimum one-year physical rehabilitation program. During this time, recruits will be subject to a strict diet and exercise regimen, with emphasis on weight training, endurance, preventive medicine, and of course, regular administration of anabolic steroids.
After completion of the first year of training, participants will be assigned to federally owned power facilities where they will spend their next five years in active duty. During their service, the elderly will spend eight hours a day, five days a week operating rowing machines, exercise bikes, and human sized “hamster wheels” for the purpose of powering turbines to generate electricity, effectively powering our major cities and residential areas. Upon completion of service, veterans will be recycled back to training facilities, where they will remain fed, sheltered, and entertained until their “permanent corporeal retirement,” entirely at government expense.
As revolutionary as my plan may seem, I understand there may be initial media scrutiny of its methods. In anticipation of my critics, I offer logical solutions for the most basic concerns. To begin, I feel I must address the obvious financial dilemma posed by providing total care for post-service program veterans. While this may, at first, seem to be an unreasonable cost for a program designed to save money, I ask you to consider the amount of federal tax dollars spent yearly on providing the same services for incarcerated criminals. Are we willing to claim that feeding murderers and pedophiles is more important than providing Grandma with a place to sleep? Also, it must be emphasized that during active duty, many will succumb to “involuntary physical discharge” long before they complete their term, thus keeping the number of sheltered elderly at an economically sustainable level.
There may also be some fringe human rights activists who feel it is unethical or “mean” to subject the elderly to such physical strain. However, I remind you that registration for this service is only mandatory for retired individuals, those who do not wish to enlist are not required to if they can provide proof of employment and financial independence. Furthermore, with prevalence rates for Alzheimer’s disease steadily on the rise, we can take comfort in the fact that we will be providing those afflicted with simple, repetitive tasks, helping to soothe the disorientation and anger commonly associated with this condition.
While some may remain unconvinced, the benefits reaped by this solution are almost immeasurable. At little or no cost, we receive a cleaner earth, an infinitely renewable clean energy source, and most importantly, continued financial profitability. Together, we can make the world a better place by turning the wrinkled liability of today into the lucrative opportunity of tomorrow.