Time: 3:00 am
Location: A cow field along a quiet rural highway
Location: A cow field along a quiet rural highway
Brian and Cotton sit on hay bales in an expansive field. COTTON BALANCES HIMSELF ON A BALE, SOMETIMES STANDING ON ONE FOOT. HE IS OBVIOUSLY IN HIGH SPIRITS. BRIAN SITS ON HIS BALE DISTRAUGHT AND FIDGETTING. HE LOOKS STRICKEN. HE WRINGS A LARGE, STAINED CANVAS BAG AROUND A SHOVEL HANDLE WITH CLENCHED FISTS.
COTTON
Don’t wreck that bag. You’re gonna need it again. eventually.
BRIAN
You're fairly sure of yourself.
COTTON
Maybe. Or maybe you could just say that I’m fairly sure of you.
BRIAN
Eh. I’m getting a little sick of doing this.
COTTON
Aww. Poor you… work is so hard for the baby!
(A BEAT PASSES)
…You know what I’m gonna miss about Kasey?
(A BEAT PASSES)
…You know what I’m gonna miss about Kasey?
BRIAN
… What?
COTTON
I mean, other than the sound of her crying…?
BRIAN
(THIS CATCHES BRIAN AND INTERRUPTS HIS ANXIETY. HE GIGGLES SHORTLY IN SPITE OF HIMSELF AND LOOKS ASHAMED)
COTTON
I’ll miss the way she would straddle you in bed and burp spicy beef into your face. Or the way she used to pick toe jam out of her feet on the couch after dinner. Oh! Or how she used to cry during sex!
BRIAN
(BY THIS POINT SMILING, SWEETLY REMINISCENT)
(BY THIS POINT SMILING, SWEETLY REMINISCENT)
Yeah, . she was one-of-a-kind! I never understood all the crying though. She didn’t want to talk about it, and I don't press. I think it might have had something to do with her stepdad. He maybe beat her or touched her or something when she was little? (STRAINING TO REMEMBER)
COTTON
(SARCASM) Really? I'd never heard her say.
BRIAN
Yeah, I think she might have told me that on a date once when I first met her. She used to talk to me about all sorts of things. I thought she was so pretty, I kept daydreaming about her as different works of art and maybe I wasn't really listening to what she was saying? It might have come up somewhere between "Kasey as Venus DeMilo" and "Kasey as Saint Sebastian" Hmm… I hope she comes back as someone with better taste in guys..
COTTON
She was pretty lovely for a minute, wasn't she? Hell, for a brief second, I got scared. I thought you might be in real LOVE. Like...new best friend love. But you came through with a full-on Brian to make things creepy, like we both knew you could, slugger!.
BRIAN
I make things creepy?
COTTON
Well, for one thing, you get so clingy and needy immediately after meeting any girl, but you said "I love you" to this one on the second date. Who does that? You were practically ordering sample invitations for the rehearsal dinner! Also, you are a grown man who refuses to leave his apartment without his childhood stuffed rabbit. She was on her way out one way or the other, it was inevitable. Like entropy and reboots of saturday morning cartoons. What was that stupid pet name she gave you?
BRIAN
Calvin. I thought it was cute!
COTTON
You were supposed to, but she didn't mean it nicely when she said it to her girlfriends and you know that as well as I did. You've got to admit you look like a tool carrying me everywhere.
BRIAN
So you want me to stop?
COTTON
No, I’m not saying that; I’m just offering an explanation. You wanted to know why Kasey got all weird with you and got us here, I told you. I don’t know that I’m the bad guy here.
BRIAN
Can we stop saying her name and talk about anything else now? Please?
COTTON
Oh! Mr. Avoidant? What was it Erin said about your attention span? That might have something to do with it, right? Or here’s one: Did you know that girls can’t tell when you’re being sarcastic? No one can. Didja know that? They're just not telling you.
BRIAN
Dammit!
COTTON
Yes! Blowing up is fun! Who was it? Erin, I think, that didn’t like the violent outbursts, right? Yes! Aw, Erin, our pretty, pretty, fragile little flower! She was another dodged bullet. Oh! What was that adorable thing that she used to say? something like, “Please Brian, I’m sorry, I won't call you that again! Please stop Kicking my chest!”
Gosh, I miss her. What a sweet girl she was...
Gosh, I miss her. What a sweet girl she was...
BRIAN
Stop! I don’t want to think! I.. talk.. I don't... Just.... Stop.
I can not talk about this right now. Fucking! Stop! Fuck!
I can not talk about this right now. Fucking! Stop! Fuck!
COTTON
This temper!
(A BEAT PASSES)
Ok, so what would you like to discuss, your majesty?
(A BEAT PASSES)
Ok, so what would you like to discuss, your majesty?
BRIAN
Anything but girls! Bah. This field is seriously creepy at night.
COTTON
Shh! Listen…(PAUSE)
(YELLING) Hey!
BRIAN
FREAKS OUT, JUMPS TO HIS FEET, GRABS THE SHOVEL AND BAG
What the hell?! Are you crazy? Stop it! What if someone hears you?!
COTTON
I said Shh! Listen!
SILENCE. AFTER A MOMENT, IN THE DISTANCE, A FAINT “MOO!” CAN BE HEARD
You know what that sound is?
BRIAN
A cow?
COTTON
The collapse of human society.
BRIAN
From Mad Cow Disease?
COTTON
No, but that would be awesome, too. Okay now see? I have this theory.
Cows are not human.
Cows are not human.
BRIAN
No Shit.
COTTON
I’m not kidding! Filthy beasts… The Aliens left them here when they helped the Egyptians build the pyramids. A peace offering or something. More like a Trojan horse. The idea is that one day Cows will be of such great numbers that they will easily outnumber human beings ten to one. At that point, the Aliens are going to send a signal to the cows, letting them know that the time for revolution is right. And when they do… God help us all.
BRIAN
That doesn’t make any sense. They could easily overwhelm us now if that were true. Why don’t the aliens just send the signal?
COTTON
They've probably lost the remote. But man! When they do remember. (SHUDDER)
Have you ever seen a slaughterhouse, Brian? They’re nasty places. Like death camps, but somehow colder and even more efficient. Motorized walkways and spinning knives. The blood of thousands of your friends and family members mixing in the floor drain, collected and saved for seasoning sausage. Mmmmmm-mmm. Tasty!
You might want to consider veganism, my dude. I know I wouldn't want to be caught at Jack in the Box when the time of reckoning comes. Cows aren’t stupid, they have a lot of time to sit out in the fields and plot. One day, you’re all going to be sitting around enjoying your Veal and Filet Mignon, and the next, you’ll be filing into Cattle Cars bound for Cowschwitz!
Have you ever seen a slaughterhouse, Brian? They’re nasty places. Like death camps, but somehow colder and even more efficient. Motorized walkways and spinning knives. The blood of thousands of your friends and family members mixing in the floor drain, collected and saved for seasoning sausage. Mmmmmm-mmm. Tasty!
You might want to consider veganism, my dude. I know I wouldn't want to be caught at Jack in the Box when the time of reckoning comes. Cows aren’t stupid, they have a lot of time to sit out in the fields and plot. One day, you’re all going to be sitting around enjoying your Veal and Filet Mignon, and the next, you’ll be filing into Cattle Cars bound for Cowschwitz!
BRIAN
You don't like cows?
COTTON
They mock my inanimacy, standing around all day like that. I have a condition.
BRIAN
You seem pretty active to me.
COTTON
Yeah, well… You’re broken. Let’s get out of here. Cows have impeccable hearing, and I’ve already said too much. Besides, you have to be back in your room by six, or somebody’s going to notice that we’re missing.
(BRIAN GATHERS THE SHOVEL AND SACK AS COTTON BEGINS WALKING OFF STAGE, LEFT. HE STOPS, POINTS DOWN AT A COW PATTY)
COTTON
Brian! Mushrooms!
COTTON DISAPPEARS OFFSTAGE
BRIAN
(ADDRESSES THE GROUND)
Umm… Yeah… Kasey, I’m really sorry.
(BRIAN STARTS OFFSTAGE AFTER COTTON, STOPS TO PICK THE MUSHROOMS OUT OF THE COW DUNG, DROPS THEM IN HIS SACK.)
(SHAKING HIS HEAD)
Alien Cows.... What the fuck is wrong with me?
END SCENE.